Day 9 – May 15, 2012

Wow. The guard just told me that I am not allowed to request toilet paper except on Monday, Wednesdays, and Friday!What and I supposed to use, my hand? It’s not fault that my roommate uses a ton of toilet paper and leaves me with a nearly empty tube. These guards are dehumanizing – the one was talking on the phone and laughing away as I waited for him to push a botton to open the door to let me in to the cell block where I would be touched all over by him – then he picked on this kid for being on the rail while 4 others did the same. I can’t believe the attitude of these guards – how they smile and laugh as they “write up” inmates, leading them into conversations which would be totally benign on the outside but in here the guards are on the verge of putting handcuffs on inmates for mere conversation or genuineexpression of feelings or statements of facts or opinions which the guards don’t like.

Ughhhhh! In the middle of writing, I was called by order – “Cart Runners!” and was just groped twiceby the jail guard who is a stickler for following all rules, good or bad, by his own admission. It is such a horrible experience to have a strange authoritarian man who is wearing the gang symbol of the empire on his shoulder touch every inch of my body and squeeze as he feels. How dehumanizing. I could harp on this emotion and it would eat me up by I’ll choose to move on, or try. I also have to get it off my chest that I have to walk to theright side of the hallway at all times or be threatened with a “write-up” by my benevolent overlords in “Central Control”. I must depend on the same people to open/unlock every door and they watch me as I move around and approach each one. Butch said it’s better to here than homeless.

My experience here confirms what I had feared about the attitudes and behaviors of individuals who take the position of jail guard. They are people who appear to “get off” on exercising arbitrary authority on peaceful human beings to the point of treating them like animals – I can only wonder what this says about how they think about themselves. Thinking on this is making me feel ill, so I will concentrate on trying to enjoy this day – it is one of a numbered few here on earth, after all, and I suppose it is better than being dead. I will now work on Draft 2 of my motions for court with the hope that I will be able to keep myself from being further victimized by agents of the state in the form of at $1240 fine or 25 days in segregation.

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