I am feeling frustrated tonight.
The motions which I handwrote in response to the news that the Keene Police is moving the court to grant them permission to destroy the evidence in my case were lost. I gave them to the officer on duty this morning to be photocopied and instead they were lost. I am crippled.
I was taken down to change out and go to court today, then told to change back, no court.
I was told that I wasn’t allowed to use the phone because it would be a safety and security risk.
I can get used to dehumanization to nudity, to groping, to being made into a worker drone, a slave to the state.
What I cannot bear is being forced to depend on others when others are incompentant. It burns me up, kills my soul, makes me hurt. I die insde when I can not accomplish simple tasks because I have been made to depend on another who can’t or wont do what he says.
I live for productivity. The guys who thrive in here are the Beavis and Butthead types, the unthinking, unquestioning, giggling unproductive doofises who think they are on a vacation on the communities dime.
I think on self direction, on the self determination, on piling successes, setting and stretching goals, pushing myself to do more than I thought possible.
If my spirit is crushed by my jail experience, it will be because I was not able to do. And because I am surrounded by people who have the “shrug” attitude. They are my captors and my peers while I am here. I moved to the Shire to be around people with an “I can do it” attitude and for the last 15 days and the next 35, I am surrounded by an attitude that says “why do, when you can stare at a TV?”
This shall pass….